Today I turn thirty years old. About a month ago, when it dawned on me that I was really going to be 3-0 years, I started to freak out. I was both excited and afraid. I began asking myself what I’d done with my life, reflecting on my current reality compared to my plans and past assumptions about what I thought my life would look like at this age.
I enjoy celebrating special occasions. I figure being thirty is a pretty big accomplishment, so I want to celebrate! I actually feel like an adult…most of the time. I have a sense of responsibility that I never had before. My faith in God seems firm and steady, ever challenged and ever growing. I have a wonderful God-fearing husband, a sound community of people around me, and a comfortable home to care for. However, I look at how I spend my time (as I have over the past three years), and wonder,
“What am I doing with my life?”
There are so many things I want to do. While I’m super grateful that I still have a lot of life left ahead of me, God willing, I question if I shouldn’t be further along in my accomplishments; more established in my day-to-day life. Ten years ago I thought that at thirty I’d be married with a family, own a nice home, and a steady career. I have the husband, and by God’s abundant provision, I live in a great home; but where’s the family and the steady career? I hardly think two cats count as a “family” and jumping from part-time job to part-time job count as a steady career.
This is where I began to panic a little. I started thinking about whether I’m using the time God has given me to the full. Am I wasting my time? Am I missing out on opportunities to serve God, to build His Kingdom, to do something with my life that is bigger than myself? I don’t know. I don’t know the plans the Lord has for me but I’m coming to realize that I just need to continue to trust His plan.
A couple pieces of wisdom come to mind as I meditate on these questions:
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
1 The plans of the heart belong to man,
but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.
2 All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,
but the Lord weighs the spirit.
3 Commit your work to the Lord,
and your plans will be established.
My perspective on my life plans has changed a little in the past ten years. I no longer want a full-time career. In my “perfect” world, I want to focus on my family and God. In my “perfect” world, I would have1.5 kids, a dog, two cats and the ability to stay home most of the week to take care of them. I would also be established in a fulfilling ministry to teenagers on a part-time basis. My husband would have a 9-5 job. He would be home in the evenings and we would serve together at our church regularly. This is not reality for me right now.
Having read and meditated on the above scriptures so much over my lifetime, God brought them to mind as I contemplated these things. I remembered that my life is not my own. All I need to do everyday is seek God with my whole heart, stop and listen for His voice in my life, and be obedient to pursue the desires He puts on my heart. Most of all, cling to the faith and trust of an infallible God who has saved me from a life of aimlessly chasing after the wind.
Do you wonder if you are walking in God’s plans for you? Do you think God is silent in your life or wonder how to hear God? Look through my great links page for more resources, leave a comment on this post or contact me. I’d love to begin a discussion!