The rains come down from heaven and
Purify my soul
But a storm builds within my mind and has
Nowhere to go
Encased in heavy armor that leaks but
Won’t give in
My encapsulated mind is entangled
My mind battles against the Savior that
Lives within my soul
The rains come down from heaven;
My soul has been washed clean
The sin of minds nailed a man to a tree and
My soul has been redeemed
Destruction showers down at my feet and
Every step falters
Reconstruction evades my hopes
Aimlessly I wander
Wisdom has found me in the dark and
Brought the hope of truth
Repentance has become the cry of my heart
Forgiveness infuses through
My mind clings to the Savior
That lives within my soul
I wrote this poem (really, it’s a song) in the midst of a severe manic-depressive breakdown. I was imprisoned by my illness and drowning in hopelessness. I was barely functioning as a human being. As a wife. As a mom. As a businesswoman.
The pressure on my chest from the stress was physically painful. The medication my psychiatrist prescribed had me living in a fog. I could barely keep my eyes open. I was like the walking dead. Driving was terrifying as I failed to focus and sometimes even keep my eyes open. My judgement was off – I shouldn’t have been driving at all – but I was incapable of making rational decisions because I wasn’t in my right mind.
I was barely surviving. I cried out to God to remove the hideous beast that was living inside me. I needed to be reminded that He had me covered behind and before.
Most days, now, the pain has ceased. My new psychiatrist radically changed my medication combination and I finally found relief. We’re still tweaking doses, but for the most part, I’m well into healing.
Why do I share this? I don’t believe we should hide our struggles behind a tidy bow. Our struggles are meant for us to grow stronger and to bring others alongside us, that we not be alone in them. In the middle of it, I felt very alone. The people around me had a hard time understanding what I was going through. They were helpless to help me, though they tried. I share my story because someone else is going through hell and doesn’t know how to cling to a Savior that came to rescue them. God can be found in the dark places. I’ve found him there.
Please contact me if you need someone to talk to. You are not alone.