How could this happen? Darla and I were close friends. Her husband, Danny, worked for my husband. Of course I would agree to nanny their son! Since we used the same bank, it seemed logical that they would pay me via internal transfer.
However, I made the mistake of trusting them too much and not checking to see if the money was actually being transferred. When money got tight for my family and I looked through my bank account to see what I could do about it, I realized that Danny had, in fact, stopped paying me.
I notified my husband, Andrew, what was going on. The next day he would approach Danny. Well, Danny did not react well to the confrontation, so I called Darla at work to alert her to the problem. She was shocked that Danny hadn’t been paying me and immediately apologized. Danny, on the other hand, made my life miserable over the next few months as only someone exhibiting narcissistic tendencies can. Eventually, at the encouragement of his pastor, he gave me a half-hearted and vague apology. It came across like he was just doing it because he was told to, not because he wanted to.
Six years later, I still haven’t been paid. Were Darla’s and Danny’s apologies enough? Were they truly repentant?
Saying sorry is one thing, meaning it is another. So, how do you know if someone is truly repentant? Easy! They demonstrate repentance. Or is it really all that easy?
Let’s take a deep dive into what a truly repentant heart is by asking ourselves who is called to repentance, what it means to truly repent, the dangers of being unrepentant, what examples we have to follow, and finally, how does one truly repent?
I think you’ll find that while repentance is hard, the freedom of having repented is worth the effort.
Who is Called to Repentance?
If you look at the Bible as a whole, you’ll see that all are called to repentance–first the Jews (AKA Israelites), and then the Gentiles (AKA non-Jews).
The Jews were God’s chosen people, and yet they consistently missed the mark. God called them to him to be an example for the rest of the world, and yet they continually failed.
God’s call to repentance in the Old Testament came widely from the prophets. For example,
But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live. Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? But when a righteous person turns away from his righteousness and does injustice and does the same abominations that the wicked person does, shall he live? None of the righteous deeds that he has done shall be remembered; for the treachery of which he is guilty and the sin he has committed, for them he shall die.
Ezekiel 18:21-24 (ESV)
Israel’s call to repentance is also highlighted in the book of Judges which describes years and years of the Israelites doing “what is evil in the sight of the Lord,” and then crying out to God for deliverance.
This theme of the Israelites being called into repentance is continued in the New Testament with the ministries of John the Baptist and Jesus. John the baptist preached for repentance because the Kingdom of God was near.
In those days John the Baptist came preaching in the wilderness of Judea, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.
“I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.”
Matthew 3:1-2, 11 (ESV)
John was preparing the way for Jesus, who would usher in the Kingdom of God through his death and resurrection. Jesus’s message was the same:
From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”
Matthew 4:17 (ESV)
Jesus gave the twelve disciples the task of spreading this same message to the Jews.
And he called the twelve together and gave them power and authority over all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal.
Luke 9:1-2 (ESV)
While Jesus didn’t prohibit the Gentiles (non-Jews) to hear his message, he specifically told them that his message was primarily for the Jews.
These twelve Jesus sent out, instructing them, “Go nowhere among the Gentiles and enter no town of the Samaritans, but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And proclaim as you go, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’
Matthew 10:5-7 (ESV)
As GotQuestions.com explains, “Jesus did not forbid their preaching to all Gentiles; He did, however, narrow their focus to the areas which should be most receptive—those who knew the Law and were expecting the Messiah.”
Paul, also preached to the Jews first, then to the Gentiles.
For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile.
Romans 1:16 (ESV)
Paul’s missionary journeys described in the book of Acts were primarily to Jewish areas, though, like Jesus, he didn’t prohibit the Gentiles from engaging with the gospel. In fact, as you read through Paul’s letters to his churches, you will find him addressing the Gentile Christians as well as the Jewish Christians (today called Messianic Jews).
So, while the Bible begins with calling the Israelites, or Jews, to repentance, it ends with addressing both Jews and Gentiles.
First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds.
Acts 26:20 (ESV)
So, while the Jews are first called to repentance, ultimately, we are all called because we all sin.
What Does it Mean to Truly Repent?
Now that it’s clear that all are called to repentance, what does repentance truly mean? A lot of people think that repentance is simply an acknowledgment of wrong-doing or saying, “Sorry.” Repentance goes deeper than that.
The Old Testament Hebrew word šûḇ means to turn back, return to, refresh, repair, or restore. This word first appears in Genesis when God is dishing out Adam’s punishment for eating the forbidden fruit.
By the sweat of your face
you shall eat bread,
till you return to the ground,
for out of it you were taken;
for you are dust,
and to dust you shall return.”
Genesis 3:19 (ESV, emphasis mine)
This passage is basically saying that there is no restoration for Adam’s sin. He came from the ground, will face death, and be restored to the ground. There is no room for repentance. However, God gives his people hope! Just a few verses before, talking to Satan, God tells of a way to salvation.
I will put enmity between you and the woman,
and between your offspring and her offspring;
he shall bruise your head,
and you shall bruise his heel.
Genesis 3:15 (ESV)
God is saying that the offspring of the woman (Jesus) will one day defeat Satan. So while his punishment to Adam seems bleak, the punishment to Satan, who instigated the first sin, is the bleakest. Until the coming of Christ, no repentance by anyone really means anything. As in Judges, the cycle of sin is imminent. God’s people will cry out to God but they will keep doing evil in his eyes. There is no true repentance. No actual “turning back.”
To “turn back” means to stop sinning, turn around, and run towards righteousness. And, as Paul reminds us what the Psalmist tells us, no one is righteous.
What then? Are we Jews any better off? No, not at all. For we have already charged that all, both Jews and Greeks, are under sin, as it is written:
“None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.”
“Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive.”
“The venom of asps is under their lips.”
“Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.”
“Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and the way of peace they have not known.”
“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”
Romans 3:9-18 (ESV)
So, if no one is righteous, how can we turn towards righteousness and remain in righteousness? If to repent is to “return to” but we turn back again, then are we truly repentant? I hardly have to tell you that the answer is no. But God.
Do you remember who wins in the battle between Satan and Woman’s seed? That’s right, it’s Jesus. Because of Jesus, we can be restored into righteousness and we no longer need to return to the ground.
Jesus is the only man that ever lived who was purely righteous. He died on the cross in our place, as punishment for our sins, faced hell for us and returned to earth, fully alive. This act still amazes me, though I have understood it and believed it for over thirty years. Christ’s saving grace is the only thing that allows us to be truly repentant.
So, what does that look like? True repentance means we are restored from our sin, made new, and we sin no more.
So, let’s return to my story about Darla and Danny. I tell this story as an example of why just saying, “Sorry,” is not an indicator of true repentance. True repentance would have looked like, “Bethany, we’re so sorry that we didn’t pay you. Here’s the amount we owe.” Our friendship would have been immediately restored. Instead, our friendship was broken, and I still experience pain whenever I think of what transpired between us.
Repentance is more than just the words we speak from our mouth. True repentance is showing with your actions that you have turned from your sin and are making an effort to make it right again. Repentance is healing for both the offender and those they’ve hurt.
What are the Dangers of Living with an Unrepentant Heart?
As in my story, unrepentant hearts cause pain for those around them. But they also are damaging to themselves.
I have to wonder, if someone refuses to apologize to someone they have hurt, have they truly received Christ to begin with? If someone can’t even repent to another person, are they really capable of repenting to the King of the Universe? I don’t know the answer to these questions, but they really make me think.
I suppose a person’s heart takes time to transform from stone to flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26). We certainly need to give grace as everyone is in the process of being sanctified with Christ. But if they aren’t taking an active role in pursuing righteousness daily, then their faith is like the seed that falls on the shallow soil that sprouts quickly, but also quickly dies out. They like the idea of Jesus, but fail to grasp the whole picture of salvation through Christ. (Matthew 13:3-9, 18-23) I think there are a lot of people who call themselves “Christian” but don’t fully grasp what that means.
In Acts 26:20b, Paul states, “They should repent and turn to God, performing deeds in keeping with their repentance.” Note, this is not saying that good deeds will win you salvation, but the opposite–when you have received salvation, your deeds will show your repentance.
True repentance is necessary for salvation. If we do not have a repentant heart, with actions to demonstrate our new heart, then we, like Adam, face the death of sin, rather than a new life in heaven. Choosing not to repent is a grave decision.
Who Does a Good Job with Repentance?
What are some examples of true repentance? I’d like to look at a few men from the Bible who did a good job with repentance.
King David
Let’s examine David, for one. Unlike how we choose our leaders in the United States, God chose him to be Israel’s king. In 1 Samuel 13:14, Samuel says, “The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart, and the Lord has commanded him to be prince over his people.” We often remember two specific stories about David. The first is his defeat over Goliath. David had such a strong faith in God that he faced this gigantic man with no armor and no true weapon and won. We also remember the story of his affair with Bathsheba and the domino effect of sin that ensued as he tried to cover up and justify himself. But then that situation led to one of the most heartfelt songs of repentance on earth.
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
Psalm 51:1-4 (ESV)
If you are in sin, I encourage you to go meditate on this full Psalm. It’s so liberating! And we know from the rest of David’s story that he was restored by God.
Apostle Paul
Another man who found himself deep in sin was Saul, before he became the Apostle Paul. Saul was a Pharisee who was determined to get rid of all Christians whether that meant imprisoning them, or killing them. Jesus met Saul while traveling to Damascus and called Saul to repentance. Through his dramatic conversion story he repented, turning around completely, and became one of the greatest Christian missionaries that ever lived (See Acts 9, 22, and 26). Saul (meaning “prayed for” was given a new name, Paul (meaning “small,” or “humble). We thank God for Paul and the many letters in the New Testament that uphold us in our faith to this day.
Apostle Peter
Finally, I want to explore the Apostle Peter with you. Peter’s repentance began when he first met Jesus while fishing with his brother, Andrew. They had been fishing all night and caught nothing. Jesus told them to let down their nets on the other side of the boat and suddenly they had so much fish their boat began sinking.
But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus’ knees, saying, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.”
Luke 5:8 (ESV)
Simply being in the presence of Jesus, Simon Peter repented. He immediately left his fishing career and followed Jesus. He was a changed man, so much so that Jesus gave him a new name (see Matthew 16:15-20). While changed, he was not a perfect man.
Fast forward to Jesus’s arrest, and as Jesus foretold, he denied Jesus three times. Denying him once wasn’t enough to get his attention, but three times he turned his back on the man he had previously professed as the messiah!
And Peter remembered the saying of Jesus, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly.
Matthew 26:69-75 (ESV)
Peter instantly knew that he had sinned gravely and he would later have to answer to Jesus.
When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.”
John 21:15-19 (ESV)
Again, Peter was fishing all night and caught nothing. Again, Jesus told him to cast his net on the other side of the boat and the net filled up with fish. Again, Jesus appeared to Peter and Peter grieved because of his sin. Again, Jesus called Peter to follow him. Even though Peter was a changed man after he met Jesus the first time, he was tempted into sin. The important part is that both times he realized his sin, he repented and turned back to follow Jesus. According to tradition, Peter was so devoted to Jesus that when he was martyred for following him, Peter requested to be put on the cross upside down because he was not worthy to die like his Savior.
How Does One Repent?
- Accept and confess your guilt.
- Psalm 51–David pleads for God’s forgiveness after his sin toward Bathsheba and her husband.
- Psalm 109: 21-22–David describes the bondage of sin and asks for deliverance.
- Romans 3:9-18–Paul claims that no one is righteous, not one.
- Receive Christ’s forgiveness
- Acts 2:38–Peter exhorts the Jews to receive Christ’s forgiveness.
- Romans 10:9-10–Paul describes how to receive Christ’s forgiveness.
- Allow the Holy Spirit to change your attitude and actions.
- John 14:26–Jesus tells his disciples how the Holy Spirit helps us.
- Romans 8:9-11, 26–Paul describes how the Holy Spirit helps us.
- Ephesians 5:18–Paul tells us how the Holy Spirit changes our hearts.
These steps apply whether you are repenting silently between you and God and when you are repenting to someone you have wronged. I would like to add that if your sin becomes public knowledge, I believe you should repent in public like King David and the Apostle Paul did.
Have you repented to God? Do you need to repent to someone else? If you haven’t done so, I hope this article gives you the courage. The freedom from repentance is worth the effort!
Bethany Marinelli is an author and speaker out of Orlando, Florida. She also supports her husband, Andrew, in his auto repair business and homeschools her son, Arthur.
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