I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to ask for forgiveness in my life. My humility has been put to the test. I’ve gotten really good at asking for forgiveness. I find that the harder part is extending forgiveness to others.
But I do forgive, even when it’s hard, because I’ve been forgiven undeservedly. A man was beaten to an inch of death then crucified on a cross for my sins. He endured hell for me so I don’t have to. Jesus Christ is the ultimate forgiver. I deserve death and hell but I’ve received Christ’s forgiveness and, in that assurance, I have life. Who am I to withhold forgiveness from someone who has wronged me?
Read more: How to Find ForgivenessWhat is Forgiveness?
What is forgiveness, really, though? As much as we would like forgiveness to be this black and white neatly packaged act, it’s not. Just like sin is messy, forgiveness is messy and looks different in each situation. Is the person repentant? How deeply hurt are you? How complex is the situation? Have they forgiven you? There are so many complexities in wrongdoing that resolution, or lack thereof, and forgiveness are also complex.
The Old Testament tells the story of a chosen people who continually rebel against God. He gives them chance after chance and they still fail him.
● God wipes out the world with a flood and upon his arrival to dry ground, Noah is found passed out drunk and naked (Genesis 9:20-23).
● Soon after, Nimrod leads his clan to build a tower high into the heavens to make a name for themselves, apart from God (Genesis 11:1-9).
● The Israelites became impatient waiting for Moses on Mount Sinai and made a false god to worship (Exodus 32).
● God leads his people to the Promised Land but they refuse to enter because they were scared they wouldn’t be able to conquer its inhabitants (Deuteronomy 1).
Yet, God is there ready to forgive the repentant. He doesn’t give up on his people.
But they and our fathers acted presumptuously and stiffened their neck and did not obey your commandments. They refused to obey and were not mindful of the wonders that you performed among them, but they stiffened their neck and appointed a leader to return to their slavery in Egypt. But you are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and did not forsake them. Nehemiah 9:16-17 (ESV)
Throughout the Old Testament, prophets foretold the coming of a Savior who would bring ultimate forgiveness.
“Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah…I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people. And no longer shall each one teach his neighbor and each his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.”
Jeremiah 31:31,33b, 34 (ESV)
The Gospels present the fulfillment of the prophecies of ultimate forgiveness through Christ Jesus. The epistles, which follow, preach salvation through repentance and a free life with Christ. The Old Testament lays out the deep condition of our sin and the New Testament presents the solution.
How Much Should We Forgive?
God takes forgiveness very seriously–literally life or death. In Matthew 18, right after Jesus lays out the model we are to follow for resolving conflict, he gives us an illustration of how we are to forgive.
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
Matthew 18:21-22 (NKJV)
Our forgiveness shouldn’t have limits. Jewish custom was to forgive three times, so it’s interesting that Peter asks this question. The fact that he was generous to offer forgiveness seven times is a big deal. But for Jesus to expand that number to 490 times really makes a point. Are we really going to make a tally of how many times we have forgiven someone so that maybe by the 491st time we say, “Enough is enough”? No. We always forgive. We forgive no matter how many times we have been sinned against. When faced with the temptation of bitterness for something we’ve already forgiven, we forgive yet again. Forgiveness is a continuous act.
Then, Matthew 18:23-35, Jesus tells a parable of a servant (let’s call the main character Jim) who was greatly indebted. Varying commentators will put the modern day value between $12 million and $1 billion–a debt that I could never pay, as willing as I might be. Because Jim couldn’t pay, the master went to sell him, his family, and everything he had. Jim begs the master to give him more time, so the master takes pity and forgives his debt. Jim then goes to another servant who owed him a day’s wages, chokes him and orders him to pay. Like Jim, he begs for more time. Jim responds by putting him in prison. Other servants saw what happened and reported it to their master.
Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.
Matthew 18:32-34 (ESV)
Jim will not be able to pay his debt, so now he’s looking at a lifetime in prison. By having an unforgiving heart, like Jim, we are imprisoning ourselves to our own sins. God takes this very seriously.
So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.
Matthew 18:35 (ESV)
How Do I Forgive?
Christ has forgiven me, so how do I apply this to my life? The answer is simple–I am commanded to forgive, as complicated as the process might be. This verse is not asking us if we want to forgive, or if we feel like forgiving, rather that we must forgive. And yet forgiving is not easy. Forgiveness is a painful process. I struggled through this process with a certain situation in my life where the people who hurt me were unrepentant.
If someone gives you a genuine repentant apology certainly makes forgiveness a little less painful. There is resolution. The harder situation is when the person is not repentant. When there is no resolution. What then?
Because Christ forgave me, I must forgive.
While neither parties in my situation repented, I still needed to have a pure heart before God. I prayed through the situation and realized that I could have forgiveness in my heart but that I didn’t need to voice this forgiveness to them unless they came to me in repentance. My forgiveness between me and God preserved my relationship with God and prepared me for the chance that they would come to repentance and sincerely apologize. Until then, I’m to move forward with my life because, the truth is, I don’t have a lot of hope that day will come.
And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Matthew 18:17 (ESV)
The question now is, how do I forgive and move on in my life? The pain is still there 8 years later, and will always be to some degree–I’ve been deeply wounded. But how do I have a forgiving heart rather than a bitter heart? I look to Jesus on the cross.
And when they came to the place that is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments. And the people stood by, watching, but the rulers scoffed at him, saying, “He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!” The soldiers also mocked him, coming up and offering him sour wine and saying, “If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!” (Luke 23:33-37) [Emphasis mine]
Forgive them, they know not what they do. I know that the people who hurt me were sincerely trying to follow God through the situation, though I believe they misinterpreted scripture or missed it completely. They knew not what they did. This attitude is how I move on, still in pain, but without bitterness. They will face the Lord in heaven and their minds will be open to reality. Then, if they are believers in Christ, which I believe them to be, God will forgive them and all will be left behind. That’s between them and God. I absolve myself.
Throughout this situation, I had to take a hard look at myself. I couldn’t go accusing them while thinking myself completely innocent–I wasn’t. I’ve said before, I have reactive tendencies. I often respond without thinking and say the first thing that comes to mind, which is not well thought out and many times not the best thing to say. I pray the prayer of Psalm 139 a lot.
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139:23-24 (ESV)
Throughout this situation, I tried to keep short accounts of myself. I asked for forgiveness where I fell short. Unfortunately, this part of our conversation was overlooked, and the nondescript wrongs I supposedly was guilty of were brought to the forefront. The point is that I tried. I humbled myself before the Lord and, whether or not they saw that doesn’t matter. What matters is that my heart was in the right place.
What is important to point out, here, is that forgiveness doesn’t mean telling the other person that what they did was okay after all. It doesn’t mean that you now have to agree with them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have to worry about what they did any longer. The response for the question, “Will you forgive me?” should just be “Yes.” Not “Yes, it’s okay,” because it’s not. It shouldn’t be, “Yes, don’t worry about it,” because there are consequences for wrongdoing. The response shouldn’t be, “Yes, forget about it,” because there is a part of being hurt that’s unforgettable; that teaches us for the future. The forgiveness should be a straight up “I forgive you.” Period.
Another important point is that if that person is in habitual sin and is harmful to you, whether physically or emotionally, you can forgive them but also put boundaries around your relationship with them. Maybe you just cut off the relationship completely. Or, maybe you just have certain boundaries on the relationship. I’ve certainly had to do this with certain people in my life. The point is that forgiving someone doesn’t give them license to continue hurting you.
On paper, forgiveness looks neat and tidy. I did wrong, I admit it, you forgive me. But it’s not. Forgiveness is a messy business because sin is a messy business. Just think of how disgusting Christ’s death was. First he was flogged and crowned with thorns (John 19:1-3). I doubt they gently put the crown of thorns on his head as they ridiculed him. Then, bruised and bloodied, they forced him to carry the weight of his own cross to The Place of the Skull (John 19:17), nailed him to the cross and the crowds stood there, jeering at him, watching him die. Thereafter he spent three days in hell taking payment for our sins.
All this we deserve ourselves, and yet we don’t have to bear it. All this I deserve, but I don’t have to bear it. If Christ can forgive me in this way for every big and small way I’ve turned away from righteousness, then I must have forgiveness ready in my heart.