Adam and Eve screwed it up for us. They had everything they needed, most importantly, a perfect relationship with their creator. How I wish I could see the things they saw. Smell the smells that they smelled. Heard the music of God’s creation in the way that they heard it. Touched and tasted the fruit that they grew. Knew God so intimately as they did. But they listened to that lying twisted serpent and screwed it up for us.
Sin.
And with sin birthed the need for repentance.
What is Repentance?
Metanoia (met-an’-oy-ah) is the Greek word for repentance. As it’s used in the Bible, it means, “A change of mind, as it appears to one who repents, of a purpose he has formed or of something he has done.” So, what is your purpose?
God’s original purpose for us was to have a relationship with him that we might mutually enjoy one another, living righteously. The perfect relationship. But since Adam and Eve strayed from that purpose, now, in our sinful nature, our purpose is for ourselves. Instead of asking, “What is good for my relationship with God,” now we ask, “what is good for me?” So, we need to change our mind about our purpose, or repent to God and turn from self toward him in order to live righteously.
When we repent, we turn from those sins which we do out of selfish desire and turn towards the righteousness God calls us to. We can only turn from our sin if we first acknowledge that we are sinners.
“For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”
Matthew 9:13b (NKJV)
And when we repent, God rejoices!
As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us.
2 Corinthians 7:9 (ESV)
And because of Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross, our repentance brings salvation–a restoration of our relationship with God.
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
2 Corinthians 7:10 (ESV)
So, true repentance leads to eternal life and a restored relationship with our creator. However, until Jesus returns and removes sin once and for all, we need to live with a continual attitude of repentance in order to seek righteousness on a daily basis. While our salvation is secure, like our relationships with one another, our relationship with God requires that we regularly turn back to him.
Repenting to One Another
Crying out to God on a regular basis in humility and confessing our sins is one thing. He, after all, is the Almighty God. No one is above God, not you and not me. Once you have come to that realization, it’s easy to fall down before him and confess that you have fallen so far short of his grace. Confessing your sin to a fellow person is another thing altogether. But confessing your sins to someone you’ve wronged is just as necessary as confessing them to God.
Repenting to God restores your relationship with Him. So it is when repenting to one another.
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:30-32 (ESV)
While humbling yourself to one another can take a lot of effort, the outcome is worth the endeavor.
While reading The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, I thought back to a conflict I had with a woman who was once my very best friend from college. We had a nasty falling out one day and hadn’t spoken to each other since. Fourteen years later, God brought the situation to my mind and, upon contemplating the subject of conflict resolution and repentance, I realized that I had never done a single thing to try resolving that conflict. I had done a lot of work healing from the hurt the conflict left me, but I had not taken one step to its resolution.
One day I reached out to a mutual friend and got her email address. I spent a few hours writing her a letter confessing what I had done wrong, and telling her how she hurt me. An added complication, her boyfriend (now husband) had also hurt me (he was part of why we had the falling out). I told her about what her husband did as I wasn’t sure she even knew and he was part of the reason I never reached out to her after the falling out. About a week later I got an email back. She forgave me for her part in our conflict and shared how I had hurt her. She had told her husband about my email and he also relayed his apologies through her. A few emails back and forth and we’re friends again. After fourteen years!
Obviously, seeing as it took fourteen years for me to reconcile with her, coming to the point of repentance was hard. I think that she and I would both admit that part of the problem that caused our downfall was lack of maturity. However, in those fourteen years, we had both grown in our relationship with God. When I finally put forth the effort to repent to her, a load was lifted so much that, even if I never heard back from her, I was glad that I did the right thing. I didn’t have the situation hanging over my head any longer. I was free of it. The fact that she accepted my apology made the load even lighter.
How to Apologize
While just having the courage to apologize to another person is hard enough, it’s even harder if you don’t know how to appropriately apologize.
I have been really hurt by others whose efforts at an apology completely stunk. They used phrases such as, “I’m sorry for whatever hurt I might have caused.” Their apologies were similarly:
1. Too brief. It felt like they were brushing it off.
2. Too vague. I wasn’t exactly sure what they were apologizing for.
3. Too insincere. They did not take ownership for their role in the conflict.
A good apology, on the other hand, meets the gravity of what you’re apologizing for, doesn’t shift blame, or shirk responsibility. According to Psychology Today , a good apology includes:
1. A clear “I’m sorry” statement.
2. An expression of regret for what happened.
3. An acknowledgment that social norms or expectations were violated.
4. An empathy statement acknowledging the full impact of our actions on the other person.
5. A request for forgiveness.
I would also add that a good apology doesn’t just tell the person what they need to hear, but it shows them your sincerity. It may take time for your actions to speak for themselves if your offense was a habitual sin. However, if you owe the other person to repair, replace, or repay them for something, that should be taken care of at the time of the apology or a plan made to do so very soon thereafter. For example, if a person who didn’t pay me for work I did (true story) gave a sincere apology, they would have also paid me the money they owed. Since their apology didn’t take ownership of what they did and they haven’t paid me, I have no reason to believe it was sincere.
When to Forgive
If someone apologizes to you, and they have done so well and with sincerity, you should absolutely forgive them. In fact, you should have already forgiven them before they even came to you. In Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker, he explains that forgiveness comes in two stages–first, having an attitude of forgiveness, and second, granting forgiveness. The attitude of forgiveness happens when you forgive that person between you and God. Granting forgiveness comes when the person approaches you with an apology.
Why should you forgive? While the act of forgiving might be hard, the answer is easy–because Christ forgave you and because God commands forgiveness.
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
Mark 11:25 (ESV)
Adam and Eve had a perfect relationship between each other and with God before sin came into the world. As God calls us to strive toward righteousness, we do so in every area of our lives. As we surrender ourselves to him, we also surrender our relationships to him. God desires us to live in unity with one another, especially those of us who are saved by the grace of Christ. We need to repent to God, repent to one another, and forgive one another out of obedience to him.
Bethany Marinelli is an author and speaker out of Orlando, Florida. She also supports her husband, Andrew, in his auto repair business and homeschools their son, Arthur.
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