…I was in and out. Sometimes I woke up and couldn’t move. Strapped to the bed. Until they thought I didn’t need the straps anymore. One day…night…?…I woke up in panic. What’s all this stuff on my face, in my mouth, choking me, silencing me. Get it off! Get it off! I grabbed and grabbed and then my husband is on top of me holding down my arms, my body, “Nurse! NURSE! I need some help in here!” People rushed in. Held me down. Strapped me in. Rushed something into my IV and…gone. Out like a light.
I haven’t told my story – the story that continually haunts me. I haven’t told my story. Not to me. Not to anyone. Not completely. Little snippets here and there, but not in its entirety. It took me a long time to gather the memories. I haven’t told my story, but in order to completely heal. In order to move on. In the case that someone else has a similar unique story, I need to tell my story.
Someone recently said to me, “I have no idea what would be like to face the anniversary of the day I almost died.” “It’s more than just that,” I replied.
Body image was not something that I struggled with as a teenager. It’s not like I thought I was gorgeous – I had other insecurities about my looks – but I was athletic with a fast metabolism and clothes fit me well and easily. My insecurities were many (i.e. I’ve battled life-long depression, which wentContinue reading “My Battle with Body Image After Postpartum Trauma”
I didn’t recognize my newborn baby, my body had failed me and I felt as though I’d failed my son. I couldn’t move forward until I was able to grieve what had happened and only then was I able to begin healing my mind, body, and spirit.
I remember my baby’s first smile like it was yesterday. He was not quite a month old and I had just come in from walking him in his stroller and as I bent down to pick him up he gave me a bright eyed, ear to ear grin that said, “Thank you for being my mom. I’m so happy to see you!” and it brought tears streaming down my cheeks. “Thank you!” I cried, “I needed that!” You see, these tears did not just come from a postpartum hormonal new mom…