The internal war wages in my soul at a fast and unending pace. My mind spins at a dizzying intensity. Conflicted. “Go faster!…No! Slow down!”
The war is in all of us. For some, you’re blissfully in the eye of the storm. For others, we’re living in the heat of it. Clattering. Blowing. Banging.
This is my birthday month; something I’m usually childishly excited about. I’ve always thought I’d always be excited about my birthday no matter how old I became. This year, I dread the day. Maybe it’s just for this year…or maybe I’ve just discovered the reason people stop getting excited about being another year older.
The truth is, I’ve stopped plucking the gray hairs from my head – there are just too many. They shine in the light beaming among the deep brown strands all around. I’m ok with it – my mother has a beautiful head of silver hair and she beams beneath it. However, right now it’s just another reminder that I’m getting older and will continue to get older…and grayer. The wrinkles are deepening around my eyes. My body is slowing down and is less resilient than my once 22 year old athletic stature. I’m getting older and reminded of it daily. How did I get to be 32 years old so fast? For this, I loath time. Slow down!
I’m also busier than I think I’ve ever been. Between work, serving the youth at church, supporting my husband in his new business, etc, etc, etc…stop! I need a moment to breath! I need a moment to not get things done and just be…but that’s when the pressure of time begins to battle within my ever present mind.
Here I am, 32 years old, and still waiting for the “right time” to begin my family. With the new business, income is unknown, and my part-time job is the only thing we have to depend on. I don’t want to be the working mom…but more than that, I want the chance to be a mom before time runs out. If you’ve ever had a goal in life where you thought, “Go faster!,” you know what I’m talking about.
That’s where I am. And I see most of my friends (many of whom are far younger than I) having babies…or their second or third. Thus triggering my depression…I trudge through time with my breaking, aging body; running but getting seemingly nowhere, like in a bad dream.
Time, stop aging me but speed me up to the point where I can meet my deepest desires! I want both. Fast. Slow.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them. ~Psalm 139:16
So, no. I’m not celebrating turning 32. I’m working hard running toward my desires with a sword in my hand while trying to shake the weights off my ankles so I can get there faster.
I was reminded in a conversation recently that patience is not about sitting still but actively preparing for that which I’m waiting. I cry out to God to calm the storm within me. I ask Him daily to help me be thankful for the time I have and trust Him to be the keeper of my time.
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting! ~Psalm 139:23,24
What are you waiting for?