I Have Overcome

My legs were wobbling as I walked towards my vendor table. Due to the event my schedule was different that day and I had time between dropping my son off at school and my work event. I decided to go for a walk. The walk turned into a run. It had been a decade since I last went for a run. Why now?

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Self Image: Body, Mind & Spirit

Lithium. The most prescribed medication for Bipolar Disorder and yet it seemed to make things worse. My moods were still out of control. I was mean. I was severely lethargic to the point that I shouldn’t have been driving, but I was manic, so I did anyway. I gained weight and developed cystic acne. Why is a drug that is supposed to make me well again making me feel worse?

Then there’s my deeply scarred abdomen. I couldn’t think any worse about myself. And I pleaded the expected, “Why God?” And He was silent. Or at least I thought.

My body had failed me.
My mind had failed me.
My spirit had failed me.

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The Storm Within My Mind

The rains come down from heaven and
Purify my soul
But a storm builds within my mind and has
Nowhere to go

Encased in heavy armor that leaks but
Won’t give in
My encapsulated mind is entangled
With confusion

My mind battles against the Savior that
Lives within my soul

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Survival Mode

I walked down the stairs carrying my sleepy 21 month old son. My foot hit the tile at the bottom and all the synapses in my body rushed to compute what was happening. The cold wet puddle of water surrounding me triggered a moment of panic. I set my son on the couch and ran back upstairs for an armful of towels. I called my in-laws again. My mother-in-law came right over. The plumber was called. 

It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, 2018. I had just proudly served my first Thanksgiving dinner. I was living my dream as a stay-at-home mom while nannying. It was a good arrangement. My good friend and her husband lived 5 minutes away. He worked at our shop and I babysat the kids. My life was finally going in a good direction after my near death postpartum experience the year before. Things do get better. You will get through this. 

Oh my was I wrong.

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Beautifully Broken

Bruised and broken
My sanity stolen
Satan looms
Darkness glooms
Sin from the garden
Ladens me with burden
Tears weep upon
The seed Christ has sown
Resurrection blooms
Beauty resumed

A dear departed friend of mine once told me that my brokenness was beautiful. I was in the midst of a serious depressive episode during a summer spent taking seminary classes through Cru. She, among others, walked with me through this brokenness. They ministered to my deeply troubled soul. The words “brokenness” and “beautiful” didn’t seem to have any business being in the same sentence. How can something so severely broken be beautiful?

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When Prayer Isn’t Enough

Screams escaped me like a steaming kettle. There was no way to turn down the burner, no hand to pull it off of the heat. My mom was at a loss as to how to help me. She showed me my face in a mirror but I didn’t recognize that girl. For the longest time I thought she did this to show me how bad I was being. Now I realize that she was trying to show me how broken I was. She was showing me how badly I needed help. I looked at the mirror and wondered who that broken helpless girl was.

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Fighting Anger

Our society is currently filled with a lot of anger due to a conglomeration of current events. 

Politics. 

Pandemic. 

Social injustice. 

And so many other things. 

Anger seeps into conversation like the serpent snuck into the garden of Eden. Anger destroys relationships. Anger destroys people. 

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Momma’s Boy

The grayish squirming baby squenched his little face as he was quickly thrust onto my chest. Slippery from my bath water I clung to his tiny squirming body as he let out a little squelch. It was a beautiful perfect delivery which is vividly painted in my mind.

“Hi baby!” I gasped, overwhelmed. 

“Call him by his name,” my midwife instructed.

The words seemed strange as I forced out, “Hey Arthur! Hello there!” to this little stranger laying in my arms. I felt the same the first time I called him my son to someone. It was like, now that he was outside of me, I had to get to know him all over again.

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The Mind of Anxiety

The other day I started a fire in my house. I simply just wasn’t thinking. 

I have some cast iron skillets that I take great care of because I just love cooking and I love cooking in them over anything else. I had recently reseasoned them (a process of baking oil onto the metal for a non-stick surface) and was determined to continue building on that seasoning, thus making them better, by taking care in how I wash and store them. 

Well, I set the pan on the burner in order to dry it out, lest it rust. I figured high heat would dry it faster. I walked away for a few minutes and it had gotten too hot and the seasoning I worked so hard on was burning off. I panicked and immediately threw some vegetable oil on while it was piping hot. Needless to say, carbon started forming and it was smoking badly, telling me that a fire was about to start. I panicked more and grabbed the pan to run it under water. The movement of the oil caused it to burst into flames! The water was running but the flames just kept getting bigger. 

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Called to be Steadfast

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. I’m of the mind that if there is something you need to improve in your life, you address it now. Putting off what you know needs to happen doesn’t serve you in the time you are waiting for the clock to click midnight on a specific date. Why put it off until tomorrow what you can start today?

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