Constant life transitions, depression, and apathy have stolen my consistency in my time spent before Jesus’ feet over a few years. I just couldn’t seem to get it together. Sure, I had periods of being more consistent and the fruit of that was evident in the blogging I did during that time. If you’ve been following my blog, you’ve also read posts about my struggle with the Lord. I prayed and prayed for God to help me find a way to be consistent in my time praying, journaling, and studying His Word because I’ve experienced how it can bring me life and shape the way I live. Then, a series of events and the influence of three women finally helped me get back on that path in a way that only God could have ordained.Continue reading “Finding My Sacred Space”
Receiving Help at Rock Bottom and Preventing the Fall
While the phrase “hit rock bottom” has become a bit cliche in our culture, I find it a rather accurate description of my experience with depression. I most definitely hit my rock bottom seven years ago. My depression became so severe I pictured myself as a helpless child curled up in fetal position in the bottom of an abandoned well, much like what you’d see on TV or the movies wherein a harrowing rescue effort would ensue. These scenes usually ended with frazzled parents embracing the frightened child encircled by a cheering crowd of dirty rescuers.
The only difference between the movie scene and my reality was that in a movie the child can’t wait to get out of the well, whereas I found safety in my pit, as dreadful as it was. I was too frightened that if I sought help, I wouldn’t be able to face myself, or the cheering crowd of rescuers. Thankfully, peering down from the top of the pit were a handful of people who coaxed me out with God’s grace. It happened very slowly during which time I did my best to hide in plain sight. I moved to a new city and spent a lot of time at home. I found a large church where I could blend in with the crowd and avoid any kind of meaningful conversation. I kept at distance from my peers, avoiding making friends.Continue reading “Receiving Help at Rock Bottom and Preventing the Fall”
Saying Goodbye with Joy and Tears
Many people are posting memories and notes of encouragement and love on Facebook to a dear friend of mine who is dying of cancer. Each and every one of them touch me deeply. Many make me choke up with a strong combination of joy and tears as I identify with their sentiments.
It’s a joyful occasion when a believer in Christ gets to meet Him face to face for eternity in heaven, but it’s sad for those of us who are left behind in the absence of such a wonderful person like Michelle.
I quickly realized a Facebook post just wouldn’t cut it. Michelle Beckman made too much of an impact on my life to be summed up in a few sentences on a Facebook post. So, instead, I decided to write a letter to her, here, on my blog. I hope this letter is an encouragement to you, even if you never knew Michelle, because of the great truths she showed me along the way.
It Could Be Me, But I Will Not Fear
I could die of a ripe old age, my life fulfilled. Or, I could die in a tragic circumstance that traumatizes a country.
One day before my 16th birthday, I sat in front of the TV with my after-school snack. I was probably hoping to watch an episode of Saved By the Bell before going to my room to do my homework. That changed.Continue reading “It Could Be Me, But I Will Not Fear”
Doubt: Sin or Path to Righteousness?
Be patient. Wait. Put one foot in front of the other, and be led blindly down the right path. Trust. Have faith. This has been the theme of my life for the past three years.
It wasn’t so hard at first. Short seasons of the unknown are to be expected in life. It’s when they drudge on month after month, year after year, that the need for faith increases and yet seems to be harder to come by. I realized quickly, and often, that faith in my own strength is not faith at all – that I needed to surrender my own strength to Jesus and let him fill me with the faith I needed to lead me through my job, my service to him, and my family life; all areas that were so hard and seemed so uncertain over these past three years. Easier said than done, as they say.Continue reading “Doubt: Sin or Path to Righteousness?”
The Shy Extrovert: My Journey with Agoraphobia
At church with my family, I had my first encounter. I’m not sure if this particular incident triggered the fear or if it was simply the first time having experienced it. I was only four years old, after all.
I believe it was Christmas Eve. After the service, holding one of my parents’ hands, I walked with my family into the lobby of Bethlehem Lutheran Church in DeWitt, Michigan. It was also my preschool – a place I was familiar with. Being there with a bunch of adults walking around me was different than being there with a bunch of kids. Walking into the enclosed coat room as tall people rifled through the racks for their outer garments, I suddenly became afraid. I saw my dad’s legs and grabbed on tight but when I looked up, I didn’t recognize the thin man with the dark bearded face. I started to cry and strong familiar arms quickly swooped me up into safety. End memory.Continue reading “The Shy Extrovert: My Journey with Agoraphobia”
Am I Lacking Faith?
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” – Hebrews 11:1
The past year has been one trial after another. Through each up and down, I’ve sought after God for answers through which He’s spoken different truths into my life. I don’t like to use my blog as a public journal, however it is a portal through which I process these lessons and I find healing in that whatever I’m going through I know there’s at least one other person out there who can relate. My hope is that my ongoing journey to the Father will help propel others to His Kingdom.
Even so, with all the difficult times I’ve found myself in of late, I procrastinate sharing these hardships with you. I envision coming to a resolution and tying up the lessons I’ve learned along the way with a pretty red bow. The reality is, I haven’t encountered any pretty red bows thus far as I continue to trudge through the challenges in my life – the waiting, the depression, the uncertainty. They follow me around like Asia’s smog, preventing any true clarity from appearing through the cloud.Continue reading “Am I Lacking Faith?”
Lessons on Waiting from King David and George Muller
My life has been in a transitional stage for the past three years…three years which have seemed like 30. I’ve been waiting on God’s bold declaration saying, “Here’s the course I’m taking you through, turn here!” I know I’m going in the right direction, I just have very little idea where it’s leading me. I know in my heart what I would like to see on the path ahead, and I believe it’s what God is calling me toward, but I don’t know how far up the road it is or what turns I need to take along the way. So, I continue on the path and I wait for the horizon to reveal God’s plan.Continue reading “Lessons on Waiting from King David and George Muller”
Am I Alone? Part 3 – Friends Struggling with Depression
Since my blog post about my struggle with depression and circumstantial infertility, I’ve had many people reach out to me. Several are either in similar circumstances or have struggled with infertility in the past (either circumstantial or biological). Some were in the opposite position – became parents before they were ready. Others resonated with my struggle with depression.
I think people are responding so strongly because I’m talking about things so many people are thinking but are afraid to discuss openly. I’ve realized recently that I really love talking about those things which most people are thinking about but afraid to discuss openly and when I do, they love to talk about it. If we feel alone, we don’t want to say anything to prevent further isolation, but if we know we can’t be alone in what we’re experiencing, why not let people know, “Hey! Me too!”
As this was the most feedback I’ve ever gotten from my blog, I decided to compile some of my thoughts based on those who responded in this three part blog series.
Part 1 – Friends Waiting to Be a Mom
Part 2 – Friends Who Became Moms Before Me
Part 3 – Friends Struggling with DepressionContinue reading “Am I Alone? Part 3 – Friends Struggling with Depression”
Am I Alone? Part 2 – Friends Who Became Moms Before Me
Since my blog post about my struggle with depression and circumstantial infertility, I’ve had many people reach out to me. Several are either in similar circumstances or have struggled with infertility in the past (either circumstantial or biological). Some were in the opposite position – became parents before they were ready. Others resonated with my struggle with depression.
I think people are responding so strongly because I’m talking about things so many people are thinking but are afraid to discuss openly. I’ve realized recently that I really love talking about those things which most people are thinking about but afraid to discuss openly and when I do, they love to talk about it. If we feel alone, we don’t want to say anything to prevent further isolation, but if we know we can’t be alone in what we’re experiencing, why not let people know, “Hey! Me too!”Continue reading “Am I Alone? Part 2 – Friends Who Became Moms Before Me”