Being that wanting to die is a normal thing for me, I’ve found some things that have helped get me through and keep myself alive. Sharing these feelings with the world is a very raw thing, but I believe that what I have to say will help someone with suicidal thoughts or they will help a family member or friend of someone who is suicidal.
A distinction should be made between “mental health,” and “mental illness.” Caring for our mental health is not the same as treating a mental illness.
“Boing, boing, boing!” rings the alarm on my phone. “Mom, it’s time to take your meds!” my four-year-old exclaims. That specific ringtone chosen as my medication reminder has forever ingrained in our minds the utter importance of my taking my medication. On time. Because we all know what happens if I don’t.
Lithium. The most prescribed medication for Bipolar Disorder and yet it seemed to make things worse. My moods were still out of control. I was mean. I was severely lethargic to the point that I shouldn’t have been driving, but I was manic, so I did anyway. I gained weight and developed cystic acne. WhyContinue reading “Self Image: Body, Mind & Spirit”
Our society is currently filled with a lot of anger due to a conglomeration of current events. Anger seeps into conversation like the serpent snuck into the garden of Eden. Anger destroys relationships. Anger destroys people. I’ve struggled with anger my whole life. It builds up quickly and overtakes my rational mind like the flick of a match.
I’ve heard a lot of women who have experienced a health crisis, for example, say, “I’m not strong. I’m sick and I didn’t ask to be.” When my first crisis hit – a health crisis – I suddenly knew exactly what they meant.
I’m grieving my scars
Both inside and out
I’m grieving the losses
That created self doubt
Scars are physical, mental, and emotional. It’s ok to grieve them.
My manic-depressive cycles spread my moods all over like a strong wind blows sand in patterned deposits next to a turbulent sea. Except I haven’t figured out the pattern so that I can flow with it, embrace it, and control it. I’m seeking recovery, but the journey is long, arduous, and leaves me parched, longing for stability in soft ever drifting sand.
Hurting people hurt people. It’s a saying I hear a lot and have said as many times when someone has done something hurtful to me or someone else. This is a phrase I have always applied to someone else. I love Jesus and follow him daily. I wouldn’t hurt anyone!
The next day I brought my poem to school and something novel happened for my 8 year old self in 1991 where computers were just something you had a class for about 30 minutes per week. My teacher typed up my poem, put a floral border on it, and there it came through her dot-matrix printer. I was so excited. To see MY words on a piece of PRINTED paper! I took pink, blue, purple and green markers and neatly colored the flowers. I rifle through my parent’s basement every time I visit them (which isn’t often these days). Every time I come up empty handed and every time my heart breaks a little more for that lost paper which held my first significant piece of writing in a long journey of growing love for the craft.