Blog – Page 2 – The Journey to My Father's Kingdom

Surrendering Dreams

When I got married, like most people, I had a lot of dreams about what my life would look like. In many ways my expectations went beyond just dreams; they were plans. Like many of life’s plans, mine have not worked out.

For one, I cannot have any more biological children. I’ve grieved this reality for a long time. My six-year-old son, Arthur William, is all I have. I try to cherish my time with him because he’s the only biological child I’ll ever have. I’ve struggled greatly with separation anxiety with him. We were separated for three weeks after he was born because I was critically ill in the hospital and I still grieve that lost time. I wrestle regularly with the thought of him dying even though there’s no real reason for me to worry. A little girl in his Sunday school class recently passed away very unexpectedly. Losing my child is my worst nightmare and that event has hit me really hard. What if I lose my only child?

Watching “The Chosen” with Discernment

I get really excited each week a new episode is available for season three of The Chosen. I really enjoyed and was encouraged by the first two seasons of this television series that reenacts Jesus’s life and ministry and the life and ministry of his disciples. Season three is proving no different. I have watched the episodes of this whole series multiple times. I know I’m not alone.

The week of Thanksgiving, the first two episodes of season three debuted in theaters, opening in the top three among secular films. Approximately 108 million people have seen at least part of The Chosen. People are being born again because of their exposure to this series. How many of these people would be unwilling to walk into a church but are willing to watch a video? The impact of The Chosen is amazing! However, I think it’s imperative that we all watch this series with caution. The show feels so real that it can be difficult to separate the imaginative from the facts. (For example, we know that Matthew was a tax collector but we don’t have background details of his family and there isn’t any biblical evidence that he was autistic.)

How to Find Forgiveness

I’ve been hurt by a lot of people. Sin is a reality in this world, no one is immune, so people hurt people. This truth doesn’t reduce the pain. A betrayal by a best friend. Being mistreated by a family member. People going back on their word. Gossip. I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching when it comes to forgiveness.

I’ve recently experienced being hurt by someone that was a part of my family’s daily life. Out of the blue, trust was broken and we’re reaping the consequences on a daily basis, and will be for some time. To make matters worse, they are mad at me and my family when the broken trust was their choice. In the days after this incident I realized that I needed to forgive this person, but it wasn’t easy.

Check Your Heart: A Call to Repentance

As I cleared debris from the yard, cool air on my skin and warm sun on my face was a huge change from just a few days before. Hurricane Ian ravaged a hot muggy Florida and left us with beautiful weather. However, taking a closer look, one has to remember that the tempests did blow and all is not right in the world.

When Speaking Truth, Don’t Forget the Love

Lately I’ve seen a lot of social media posts that speak truth, but in a really harsh and ugly way. Rather than lean in and engage with their words, I get the urge to fight them in the comments…even if I agree with their point.

One lady wrote in all caps, something to the effect of, “WOMEN CALLED TO BE PASTORS ARE DECEIVED BY SATAN AND LIVING IN SIN!” My immediate urge was to write some fighting words in the comments but thought better of it. I then stopped and thought, “That post is not going to draw anyone closer to Jesus, so whether I agree with her or not, my comments aren’t going to help the matter.”

Another lady posted that if your pastor didn’t stand up and say something about Roe vs Wade the Sunday after the law was overturned, that’s a huge red flag and you should reconsider attending that church. I commented something like, “My pastor didn’t mention it, but I don’t think he needed to. The church is very involved with supporting a Christian pro-life womens clinic and I know that the congregation was all celebrating. I think you need to reevaluate your statement.” The reply to my comment began, “WRONG!!!…” and I was then completely torn down. Is this how we are taught to treat one another?

What happens when we speak the truth but forget the love? We miss the chance to glorify God. Believers are drawn away from him and nonbelievers turn their backs completely.

Healing Scripture for the Unsound Mind

My brain was sick. That’s how I explained it to my then 2 ½ year old. The medical descriptions in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM-5) doesn’t thoroughly describe the hurricane that was raging beneath my skull. I was in my worst episode of my newly diagnosed bipolar disorder. I couldn’t function, and yet I had to. My son needed his mom and Andrew needed his wife. Andrew’s and my business needed me. I was as depleted as a person could be. I wanted to die.

Just a few months before, the pastor from the church we were attending asked me to leave. That’s a long story, but the point is that I was without my mind and without a church. My spiritual community was fractured and so was my spirit. I knew I needed something to ground me to the truth. I didn’t have the wherewithal to get there on my own.

Is God Punishing Me?

A friend of mine came to me a few months ago and asked me to pray for her toddler son who was recently diagnosed with a devastating illness. “I think God hates me. I feel like I’m being punished or cursed. I don’t understand.”

She’s not alone.

“Is God punishing me? Is this a curse from God?” are questions one often asks themselves when facing a hard situation. Since 2017 I’ve dealt with one crisis after another. I’ve had people tell me that my life should be made into a movie because of all I’ve been through (I’m not sure I want to see that movie). As I write this I’m in another season of crisis. I’m struggling with my bipolar disorder, I’m in conflict with someone I love, and I’m being sued for speaking up for people who are being hurt. Wondering if I’m cursed might be a natural response, but knowing the truth in God’s word, I know this is not the case.

How the Disciples Missed Jesus’s Purpose and Power

Have you ever had an intimate relationship with someone only to find out they were not who you thought they were? Or maybe you had a certain expectation of someone and things didn’t transpire the way you expected it. You might have in mind someone who disappointed you but the same could be true for someone who surprised you in a good way.

And then there’s Jesus. I can’t tell you how many times I felt like I was walking in step with Jesus, only to have my life change in an unexpected way. “This isn’t how it was supposed to go!” I cry.

The twelve disciples walked intimately with Jesus during his three year ministry. They saw it all and knew Jesus more deeply than anyone. And yet, they still missed out on who he really was!

How the Pharisees Missed their Messiah

Are you drowning in the details of life? Maybe it’s time to step back and see the bigger picture. So often, we miss when God is working in our lives. We’re so bogged down in the details that we fail to step back and see the bigger picture. This is especially true when our life doesn’t look like we expected. We fail to step outside of ourselves and see the divine intervention of God. We look back later on and see that it was staring straight into our face. “How did I not see that?” we marvel. Well, you aren’t the only one.

Over the past year, my church’s women’s Bible study has been digging through the gospel of Matthew. Verse by verse, we’ve examined God’s Word at multiple angles. We’ve marveled at how Jesus worked in the lives around him. Jesus overcame Satan’s temptation. Jesus taught mind boggling truths. Jesus healed the sick and cast out demons. Jesus raised the dead. Jesus foretold what was to come; both in his time on earth and his second coming. Throughout scripture we see that the religious leaders (Pharisees, Sadducees, Herodians and scribes) and Jesus’s disciples missed what God was doing and would do through Jesus.

What I Do When I Want to Die

My knuckles were white on the steering wheel, arms ridged, as I forced myself to drive in a straight line going 75mph in the busy I-4 traffic.

Breathe, I reminded myself.

Don’t do it, the Holy Spirit warned.

Arthur is in the backseat. Protect him. My maternal instincts called to me.

I just wanted my life to be over. I wanted to erase the pain that festered deep down into my soul. If I swerved in front of a vehicle on my left at just the right angle, maybe I could end it all. At least I would feel a pain different from the pain I was feeling.

Do Not Be Anxious About Tomorrow

As I look forward to 2022, I find myself anxious and distressed. For the past few years, I have done what a lot of people do in place of resolutions in that I ask God to show me a word and Bible verse to focus on for the year. In the weeks leading up to the new year, and a few weeks after, I struggled to find that word. I was beginning to think maybe I just didn’t have a word for this year.

Giving Thanks When You Don’t Feel Thankful

You’re not sure if you can face your family this year. You’re grieving the empty seat at the table. You or a family member is very ill. Your marriage is struggling. You’ve just had a breakup. You’re struggling with infertility. You’ve lost your job. You’re deep in debt. You can barely afford the turkey on the table. The list goes on. What is there really to be thankful for?

The Truth About My Exorcism

On a beautiful Ohio summer day in 2008 I nervously chatted with my friend as we drove to the house of a couple she knew. Though I had been prepared as to what to expect, I was uneasy. I was grateful for her help and desperate to try anything to free my mind of the racing anxious thoughts, reactionary temper, constant feeling of dread, and overall lack of peace in my life.

That spring this same friend, with a couple of others–all older more seasoned believers than I–had led me through the Seven Steps to Freedom from Neil T. Anderson’s book, The Bondage Breaker. These steps include a process of confessing sin, forgiving those who have wronged you, recognizing lies you’re telling yourself, and combating those lies with truth. Doing these things, the book claims, would grant you freedom in Jesus Christ.

Growing Intimate With God Through Prayer Journaling

What if you could see God answer your prayers right before your eyes? How would it change your view of God if you could go back and reflect on how he’s moved in your life?

That is why I started prayer journaling.

What Does the Bible Say About Mental Illness? Part 3

For over a decade I lived thinking I suffered internal anguish because I just didn’t have enough faith in the power of prayer. However, in 2009 I sank into a deep depression and finally got to a breaking point. I was working with high school girls through CRU, formerly Campus Crusade for Christ–an international ministry focused on evangelism and discipleship. My director sat down with me and kindly explained that I was in no state to be mentoring young women. I needed to step away from field ministry and seek healing.

He was right. And for the first time I was broken enough to face myself and accept help. I was desperate.

It was the end of the school year and I was scheduled to spend the summer taking seminary classes with fellow staff members followed by the biannual all-staff conference. Two women were appointed to come alongside me in my darkness over that summer. As the summer went on I was encouraged to seek medical help and to find a Christian counselor.

After years of struggle, I finally found my way out of my depression and reconciled my brokenness before the Lord. I was freed from thinking I needed to be the perfect Christian to be happy and drew closer to the Lord.

In Part 1 of this series I discussed what the Bible says about illness and how mental illness plays into that, pointing to King David and Job as examples. Part 2 covers the distinction between mental health and mental illness, explaining how the Bible uses the word “anxiety” as an example. Here I will explore how to give and get help for mental illness.

What Does the Bible Say About Mental Illness? Part 2

“You are a success!” my psychiatrist exclaimed. “You are a success and I don’t see that very often.”

My mental health hasn’t been this good in a very long time. Apparently this is uncommon for a manic-depressive compounded with an anxiety disorder.

“Mental health” is a common phrase used in our society. Like our physical health and spiritual health, our mental health is an important aspect of our well-being. However, a distinction should be made between “mental health,” and “mental illness.” Caring for our mental health is not the same as treating a mental illness. Caring for our mental health includes things like getting enough sleep, taking breaks throughout your day, and surrounding yourself with a supportive community. Caring for a mental illness means having a psychiatrist to prescribe and monitor your medication, meeting with a therapist, and having positive coping strategies.

Bipolar, or manic-depression, is a complex illness requiring multiple medications. Lithium, the most prescribed drug for my illness, presented severe side effects. I asked to be taken off of Lithium. While many psychiatrists wouldn’t consider this, I was so thankful that she listened to me and found an alternative. After many months, we found the right combination and dosages of medication and I have my life back.

In Part 1, I suggested King David and Job may have had circumstantial mental illnesses. For other people, mental illness is a chronic condition. The Bible, while not specifically naming mental illnesses, does provide circumstantial evidence of mental illness based on literal translations of the Greek and Hebrew vocabulary. We know that Jesus welcomed all and healed all who came to him. Including the mentally ill.

Now we’re going to talk about the difference between “mental health” and “mental illness.”

What Does the Bible Say About Mental Illness? Part 1

Nothing.

The Bible says nothing about mental illness. It also says nothing about cancer. Or heart disease. Or alzheimers. The Bible rarely calls out specific illnesses. Death from illness is mentioned, but not the cause.

Back then, people didn’t know what we now know about illnesses because they didn’t have the technological advances we have today. In fact, we’re still discovering “new” illnesses and causes of illness.

Why does it even matter what illnesses are in the Bible? For example, what illnesses does Jesus heal? Illness is illness and Jesus performed countless miracles and healed so many. Imagine hundreds of people gathered around Jesus waiting for their chance to be healed! I can’t even begin to envision what that was like. One third of Jesus’ ministry was healing, so it matters greatly that Jesus healed, but it matters little what he was healing.

Social Anxiety in a Pandemic

I walked into the grocery store with a bare face. I felt everyone staring at me as I searched for other maskless people to make sure I wasn’t the only one. I was surprised at the relief I felt to be rid of my mask, but also self-conscious after being required to wear one for over a year.

Being fully vaccinated and the mask mandate lifted, I am no longer required to wear a mask in most places. Freedom. There is nothing political in my viewpoint about masks. This is about my social anxiety disorder.

Anxiety Triggers

I’m in it. My chest is caving in on my lungs. My head is spinning. Every time I close my eyes I see the gruesome sight and then my mind rushes into a fury of terror. My blood rushes hot through my body. My breathing becomes rapid. Then chills run down my arms like lizards running across sidewalks on a muggy Florida afternoon. It’s summer and I’m sitting here with a sweater on.

What is a “Sunday Christian”?

In my testimony I use the term “Sunday Christians” when talking about my childhood. When my mom read that, she didn’t know what to think about it. Was this a negative thing? We ended up having a good discussion on how we grew up and evolved as a family in our spiritual growth. Do I think being a “Sunday Christian” is bad? No, I do not. Here’s how I see it.

Created for Community

Jesus lived in community. He surrounded himself with the twelve disciples and many others, such as Lazerus, Mary and Martha, and Mary Magdalene, just to name a few that come to mind. Sure, he was their rabbi, their leader. But he needed them, too. They assisted him in his ministry (Luke 9:1-6). They gathered with him for the last supper (Luke 22:14). They were with him in the Garden of Gethsemane where he prayed in distress (Matthew 36-38).

Jesus lived in community because God made us for community. He made us to bear one another’s burdens – to support one another in our trials and to restore each other when we falter (Galatians 6:1-10). He made us to serve Him through loving and supporting our neighbors (Matthew 22:37-40).

Part of loving one another is by walking alongside each other through the good times and bad. We need to surround ourselves with like minded individuals in order to walk this out.

When Christian Leaders Sin

The church we used to attend has been through a lot. Several years ago there was a scandal after a pastor admitted to having an affair with another staff member. It was a difficult thing for this large church to navigate. It was plastered all over the news. A few months later that pastor committed suicide which, as you can imagine, made things worse. This is not the first time something like this has happened in a church and, sadly, it won’t be the last.

The Medication Paradox

“Boing, boing, boing!” rings the alarm on my phone.

“Mom, it’s time to take your meds!” my four-year-old exclaims.

That specific ringtone chosen as my medication reminder has forever ingrained in our minds the utter importance of my taking my medication. On time. Because we all know what happens if I don’t.

I Have Overcome

My legs were wobbling as I walked towards my vendor table. Due to the event my schedule was different that day and I had time between dropping my son off at school and my work event. I decided to go for a walk. The walk turned into a run. It had been a decade since I last went for a run. Why now?