Category Archives: Mental Health

My Truth About My Postpartum Story – Part 2: Intensive Care Unit

…I was in and out. Sometimes I woke up and couldn’t move. Strapped to the bed. Until they thought I didn’t need the straps anymore. One day…night…?…I woke up in panic. What’s all this stuff on my face, in my mouth, choking me, silencing me. Get it off! Get it off! I grabbed and grabbed and then my husband is on top of me holding down my arms, my body, “Nurse! NURSE! I need some help in here!” People rushed in. Held me down. Strapped me in. Rushed something into my IV and…gone. Out like a light.

My Truth About My Postpartum Story – Part 1: The Ambulance

I haven’t told my story – the story that continually haunts me. I haven’t told my story. Not to me. Not to anyone. Not completely. Little snippets here and there, but not in its entirety. It took me a long time to gather the memories. I haven’t told my story, but in order to completely heal. In order to move on. In the case that someone else has a similar unique story, I need to tell my story.

Fasting Current Events

Presidential elections, racial injustice, killer virus, and on and on and on. Everywhere you turn, it’s there. It’s a flyer hanging on your door with someone smiling. Usually a man. Usually white. Many times surrounded by a beautiful wife and two or three darling children in well coordinated clothing. Maybe even matching. Maybe even aContinue reading “Fasting Current Events”

Hurting People Hurt People: Part 3 – Recovery

My manic-depressive cycles spread my moods all over like a strong wind blows sand in patterned deposits next to a turbulent sea. Except I haven’t figured out the pattern so that I can flow with it, embrace it, and control it. I’m seeking recovery, but the journey is long, arduous, and leaves me parched, longing for stability in soft ever drifting sand.

Hurting People Hurt People: Part 2 – Mean Girl

Receiving a diagnosis of manic-depression in 2019 has flipped my world upside down. Again. If it’s not one crisis, it’s another. My life is a continual cycle of moods rising up into uncontrollable energy, peaking in a fight or flight rampage, and then a hard crash into depression. Now to address the hurt. The fight or flight impulses. The mean girl.

The Enduring Leader

A lot of who I am today is because of the belief, values, and characteristics Coach Inglis instilled in me in my 4 years under his coaching. God puts people in your life for a reason. Hold onto those who have made the biggest difference in your life. Tell them!

My Journey in Writing…And Why It Matters To Anyone

The next day I brought my poem to school and something novel happened for my 8 year old self in 1991 where computers were just something you had a class for about 30 minutes per week. My teacher typed up my poem, put a floral border on it, and there it came through her dot-matrix printer. I was so excited. To see MY words on a piece of PRINTED paper! I took pink, blue, purple and green markers and neatly colored the flowers. I rifle through my parent’s basement every time I visit them (which isn’t often these days). Every time I come up empty handed and every time my heart breaks a little more for that lost paper which held my first significant piece of writing in a long journey of growing love for the craft.

What It’s Like to Have an Anxiety Attack and Still Believe in God

Like a gigantic ocean wave washing over a small child, you don’t know which way is up but you need to breathe, you need to think. Or not think. Or…find the ocean floor to rest your heavy body or the open sky to finally catch your breath.

My Battle with Body Image After Postpartum Trauma

Body image was not something that I struggled with as a teenager. It’s not like I thought I was gorgeous – I had other insecurities about my looks – but I was athletic with a fast metabolism and clothes fit me well and easily. My insecurities were many (i.e. I’ve battled life-long depression, which wentContinue reading “My Battle with Body Image After Postpartum Trauma”

No Insurance, No Worries

As open enrollment for health insurance has a lot of my friends stressed and in a tizzy, I sit by as cool as a cucumber. Paying my medical bills (nearly $400,000 from my maternity care, to childbirth, to 3 weeks in and out of ICU, and recovery care) has been the least of my concerns over the past year. The reason? I don’t have insurance.

Healing Mind, Body, and Spirit

I didn’t recognize my newborn baby, my body had failed me and I felt as though I’d failed my son. I couldn’t move forward until I was able to grieve what had happened and only then was I able to begin healing my mind, body, and spirit.

He Makes All Things New

I remember my baby’s first smile like it was yesterday. He was not quite a month old and I had just come in from walking him in his stroller and as I bent down to pick him up he gave me a bright eyed, ear to ear grin that said, “Thank you for being my mom. I’m so happy to see you!” and it brought tears streaming down my cheeks. “Thank you!” I cried, “I needed that!” You see, these tears did not just come from a postpartum hormonal new mom…

Receiving Help at Rock Bottom and Preventing the Fall

While the phrase “hit rock bottom” has become a bit cliche in our culture, I find it a rather accurate description of my experience with depression. I most definitely hit my rock bottom seven years ago. My depression became so severe I pictured myself as a helpless child curled up in fetal position in theContinue reading “Receiving Help at Rock Bottom and Preventing the Fall”

Saying Goodbye with Joy and Tears

Many people are posting memories and notes of encouragement and love on Facebook to a dear friend of mine who is dying of cancer. Each and every one of them touch me deeply. Many make me choke up with a strong combination of joy and tears as I identify with their sentiments. I quickly realized a Facebook post just wouldn’t cut it. Michelle Beckman made too much of an impact on my life to be summed up in a few sentences on a Facebook post. So, instead, I decided to write a letter to her, here, on my blog. I hope this letter is an encouragement to you, even if you never knew Michelle, because of the great truths she showed me along the way.

The Shy Extrovert: My Journey with Agoraphobia

At church with my family, I had my first encounter. I’m not sure if this particular incident triggered the fear or if it was simply the first time having experienced it. I was only four years old, after all. I believe it was Christmas Eve. After the service, holding one of my parents’ hands, IContinue reading “The Shy Extrovert: My Journey with Agoraphobia”

Am I Lacking Faith?

The past year has been one trial after another. Through each up and down, I’ve sought after God for answers through which He’s spoken different truths into my life. I don’t like to use my blog as a public journal but it is a portal through which I process these lessons and I find healing in that whatever I’m going through I know there’s at least one other person out there who can relate. My hope is that my ongoing journey to the Father will help propel others to His Kingdom.

Even so, with all the difficult times I’ve found myself in of late, I procrastinate sharing these hardships with you. I envision coming to a resolution and tying up the lessons I’ve learned along the way with a pretty red bow. The reality is, I haven’t encountered any pretty red bows thus far as I continue to trudge through the challenges in my life – the waiting, the depression, the uncertainty. They follow me around like Asia’s smog problem, preventing any true clarity from appearing through the cloud. So how do I deal?

Am I Alone? Part 3 – Friends Struggling with Depression

Since my blog post about my struggle with depression and circumstantial infertility, I’ve had many people reach out to me. Several are either in similar circumstances or have struggled with infertility in the past (either circumstantial or biological). Some were in the opposite position – became parents before they were ready. Others resonated with myContinue reading “Am I Alone? Part 3 – Friends Struggling with Depression”

Am I Alone? Part 2 – Friends Who Became Moms Before Me

Since my blog post about my struggle with depression and circumstantial infertility, I’ve had many people reach out to me. Several are either in similar circumstances or have struggled with infertility in the past (either circumstantial or biological). Some were in the opposite position – became parents before they were ready. Others resonated with myContinue reading “Am I Alone? Part 2 – Friends Who Became Moms Before Me”

Am I Alone? Part 1 – Friends Waiting to Be a Mom

Since my last blog post about my struggle with depression and circumstantial infertility, I’ve had many people reach out to me. Several are either in similar circumstances or have struggled with infertility in the past (either circumstantial or biological). Some were in the opposite position – became parents before they were ready. Others resonated withContinue reading “Am I Alone? Part 1 – Friends Waiting to Be a Mom”

How I Get Out of Bed in the Midst of Depression

The past couple months have been some of the most challenging since I had a major bout of depression 6 years ago. Thankfully, my depression hasn’t gotten as bad as it was six years ago, but living with depression, no matter how severe, is always rough. Over the years, I’ve discovered some ways that helpContinue reading “How I Get Out of Bed in the Midst of Depression”

Time: Friend or Enemy?

The internal war wages in my soul at a fast and unending pace. My mind spins at a dizzying intensity. Conflicted. “Go faster!…No! Slow down!” The war is in all of us. For some, you’re blissfully in the eye of the storm. For others, we’re living in the heat of it. Clattering. Blowing. Banging. ThisContinue reading “Time: Friend or Enemy?”

Are You Pregnant?

It was one of those pieces of news that’s like a punch in the gut…and it felt wrong to be feeling that way. I opened the envelope from my friend to discover she and her husband were expecting their second child. I cried off and on all day. My husband came home from work, IContinue reading “Are You Pregnant?”